I've been in a crazy place, lately.
Crazy good. I've been having breakthrough after breakthrough and while it's dizzying, it's perfect. I wouldn't change it. I've been climbing out of an old skin for two years now and it definitely hasn't been easy. And there were days, there still are, when I lose my cool and want to retreat back into who I was. Throw my hands up. That inner-voice turns judgmental and makes me want to just give in, stop this whole "self-improvement nonsense."
It's tempting. But the problem is, once I began to see my world differently, again, it became impossible to go back. And this work has many names, many labels. Don't let that derail you, either, you can call it whatever you want: spiritual growth, psychoanalysis, self-actualization. Attach religion, attach science. It's really all the same, we just sub in different cues and guideposts and ideas to help us along.
But the work...is ours alone. And that's the biggest realization, and sometimes the hardest.
We go on thanking people, swooning, being inspired, and all the rest, which is nice, but here's the thing: I am...the only one who sees what's in my mind. I have a singular worldview, my own interpretations of stimuli that cross my mind's eye and experience, based on who I am, what I've seen and done, in my Life. It's my choice in how to interpret every event in my Life, from minutiae to the mountains I climb, both literal and figurative. This is mind-blowing. it's me. It's always been me. Wow... all of it. This idea scares people, but it can be crazy-freeing. Being responsible.
That said, I did this work, and I continue to do it. I had friends and well-wishers and so on, when I asked for help, who have been incredible. I had people who I thought meant well, and really didn't. So, I learned to be more discerning and less trusting. And then there were the "intrusive helpers." We all know this type: they mean well, and play devil's advocate, and make your Life and experiences about them. Some people call them haters. And I've been there, not wanting to address my own stuff, so I tried to help others. I get it now, from both angles. I don't judge, because I've been in that mindset, too. So, if it comes from an honest place, I let it be. It's never a mistake to offer kindness, Love, and support.
But here's something valuable that I've learned:
How to Help Someone
1. Ask if they want your help.
2. Ask how best to help them.
3. Give more or pull back, based on their direct feedback.
Anything that's NOT this, isn't help. It's manipulation.
A hard truth, but a necessary one. And the freedom, in letting all of that go, in designing our own lives, our own experiences, our own directions and goals and dreams...is an amazing feeling. It can be scary to rely on our own steam; our own choices. But I'd have it no other way, at this point.
This awakening process, for me, is more about stripping things away and letting go of things, than about accumulating the new. It's maddening, it's liberating, it's life changing. it's feeling as though you're getting closer to something on the "path," only to find you've been hiding up a tree for a month. And getting back out there. In there. Because this is all inner work, really.
Chasing horses. Exhausting, yet thrilling. Will I catch one? I don't know. But to run: free, inspired, wild, unleashed. This is why I do it. "The journey is the gift."