I said that I wouldn't post a blog until I was finished with the first draft. And I am glad I stuck to that, because it fueled me to finish and not quit. And it wasn't easy. Writing something like this, that explores spirituality, passion, the mind, the soul, the heart, strength of women...and life in general...can be quite a journey, even if it's fiction. I look back at the process in terms of levels. Back in the summer, when this all began, I was on a quest. Hunting. Searching. Looking for answers. Each question led me to more questions, and on and on. At times I would face obstacles, a brick wall of sorts, in my own thought patterns. They had to do with writing blocks, doubts, and concerns about my own thoughts and beliefs. But I've learned to step back and observe them. And always ask myself, what is the lesson here? We are here to learn. To grow. To push through and rejoice and then to do it all over again, around and around. If we can view our lives in this way, always understanding that we are on a journey, we will find inner peace. Freedom in our thoughts. Humility in our faith and gratitude for the whole process; for the very gift of life.
I learned so much about myself and my own thought patterns in this journey. Looking back through my own history, I can see where I've been self-destructive. I've been selfish at times and I've been too weak to use my own voice, allowing myself to be a doormat at others. I know that what I used to believe was love was really infatuation. It was on the surface, it was fleeting, and it was conditional. Most importantly, I've seen how I used to devalue myself, just in my own thoughts. We can be our own worst enemies.
When you are blessed with something seemingly magical, random, and beautiful - that doesn't make sense in your rational mind - like a gorgeous summer day in December, for example, do you say, "wow, amazing, thank you!" Or do you question it? Look at it funny, wonder what the catch is, throw every negative that you can at it to explain it to your rational mind? The same is true for any unexplained acts of kindness and love in our lives. If you don't see love, peace, and strength in yourself...you won't find it elsewhere. If you have found self-love, connection within to all that is, and faith, then you can begin to perceive every thing that crosses your path through the eyes of love. You can learn not to look for love or validation or approval, but that it is already within you. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Forgive yourself. And all you need to do, the ONLY THING you need to do, is let go of it. Throw it in the river, and let is wash away. Then let that empty space fill up with love. Share it. Live in it, be it. Allow yourself to fall apart, allow the crumbling, the torment, the feelings of being lost. Feel it, thoroughly. And stare at it, observe it, face it. Only then, in the darkness of your own being, can you find your light. That spark, that glowing ember that never went out. It's there. And then...you begin. And with faith you walk forward, knowing that everything will unfold for you, in grace and perfection.
I once said, in a fit of doubt and vitriol, that we cannot sit by and vibe our way to peace and love and accomplishment. That we had to go out there, forcefully, and make it. Take it. I was wrong. And I ask you to forgive me if I caused you doubt. The thing is...I was about to push through to another level, and I didn't realize the little storm that I was in, where my history came back to throw challenges in my face. There are no answers, there are only our thoughts. Only in deconstructing what we think we know, and coming to a place of nothingness, of detachment, can we begin to see the truth. It starts within. Sometimes, we have to go around the circle a few times to see it. To really understand. At this stage in my journey, I can honestly tell you that I know nothing. But I delight, in every moment, the idea of discovering, learning, and inching another step forward. And building toward mastery of my own thoughts, as I aim to inspire an idea of this awakening, this gift, this miracle... in others. I am overwhelmed with gratitude in the gift I've been given, the experience of falling to pieces and finding who I really am and what I'm made of. And my goal now, is to show - and lift others up, to find that spark inside, and to take a step. One step...and the rest will follow.
Thank you. Love to you. Keep following, and watch for the ebook in the spring. Keep up with my journey of awakening on Facebook.com/Ana.J.Awakens and I send you the courage and strength to start your own journey.
Look inside... And start asking questions. <3