Co-parenting. Even for the most well-adjusted, cooperating people... some nights are hard when you're away. Missing my little boy SO much tonight. It's a hard thing to explain to people. So I don't. But everyone knows what missing something feels like, even if it's a dog or a favorite gadget.
It's the stark and obvious absence of something that takes up so much room in your heart and mind. It's a real thing. It's a valid thing. We're supposed to feel their absence, it's part of what makes us human. Yet, we don't like to complain, right? Good vibes only, and all that. So, we smush it down, inside, and then start bawling like a psycho when Can't Stop the Feeling or Dance With Me Tonight comes on, because you do your morning dance parties to those songs. There's a fully loaded arsenal of emotions that can rush over like a wave... because it's just hard to be away from your kids. It just is, of course it is.
How often I put that away and distract myself, to "stay up." Positive. Well, friends, I am positive and grateful for all that's good, but I still have these waves sometimes. But I'm choosing to write this post, do some late-night meditating, and go to sleep. Instead of Drs Ben and Jerry, because I've made promises to myself about that. And that's hard too, giving comfort foods up. Giving smoking up was hard. A lot of it is hard. Anxiety is hard. Starting over is hard. Empty rooms at night are hard. That pit inside that aches for distraction and shimmers and entertainment and denial, is hard to ignore.
It's so easy, isn't it? Avoidance. Never works, it just doesn't. I know from experience. Pain is real and needs to be acknowledged, understood, brought to Light...and healed.
How do I deal with that? I get girly and submit: I cry, good and hard, with a runny nose and tears and all of it. I breathe, deep, over and over. I read snippets of good, heart-reaching books. I listen to empowering women who walk their talk. I listen to myself. I breathe some more. And I remember how much I've fought through, already. And those were big, scary, life-threatening things that demanded sacrifice, time, deep prayer, and a will to survive. So feelings? Yeah. I got this.
"Oh honey. It's just a wave." 🌊🌊🌊 And did you forget? You know "the heart of Life is good." Music, healing, quiet.
Sometimes, just giving attention, to those "monsters," that big bad scary feeling...can vanquish it. But wow, when I'm in, I don't know that. I only know the anxiety, the creeping feeling that something isn't right, that I feel unsteady, and that I should keep moving. But not always. Not always. Sometimes, stillness is what's called for. Allowing the mysterious emotions to surface, naming them, and letting them float back into the ether.
Emotions... are teachers. And on the other side of them, is wisdom and perseverance. Grateful for friends with flashlights, because we can't always see. xo