Hello lovers, searchers, fighters, hiders, seekers, friends...readers:
I may ramble a bit, today. Here's why. In the vein of "keeping up with writing," I'd been doing Morning Pages, a la Julia Cameron. And it's great. Gets the funk out, clears the pipes, information and inspiration flow through much more easily. In high school, I called it journaling, in a trendy lil notebook with lots of doodles and NKOTB and Bob Marley lyrics and puffy unicorn and/or faerie stickers. In my twenties and beyond...I mean they started AOL dial-up in homes just as I graduated high school! Imagine??? Yes kids, you'd have to leave the room to upload that new pic of your crush, because it took like a half-hour...pixel by ever-creeping pixel...so my output became blogging: my out-loud, crossing the void, searching for souls, diary...of sorts. "Is anyone out there?" And I'd wait. And even then, I made new friends in the ether, over the internet, mind to mind. Soul to soul, as I saw it. What a fascinating new medium this was...how...magical. Ones and zeroes harnessed and sent in packages at a time through the air itself to form images, sounds, where they touched down...OH! ... I was hooked. Wow.
I'm an adult now. A Mom. A known and recognizable member of the community that I love and live in. A public servant, to boot. So, I find myself...filtering. How much do we put out there? Be authentic, but not that authentic. Write to bleed! But not that much. Keep your juiciest bits, and write what suits your "image."
What a bunch of bullshit. Sorry. I can't keep up falsehoods for long. Not a bit. It's just not me. I'm all out there, as many of you know. Hell or high-water, as they say.
So, as a wanderer, absorber, seeker, explorer, a new soul, as it were...with old soul tendencies... I've come back to what comes naturally for me. Instead of maintaining: morning pages PLUS sculpted, careful blog entries PLUS the work in progress or two PLUS a day job, a child, laundry, and adventures... well, I am consolidating. Because efficiency. And sleep. And well-being. And priorities.
To keep in practice with blogging, I am keeping it real. Morning pages became anytime pages which have become my blog. Again. Funny how that works...I guess I just have my ways of doing things, and as much as I try to obey the self-help books, sages, gurus, teachers, and all the rest...I just have to do what works for me. That's it. (The wind just blew over the mouth-hole of my Shakeology cup and made music.) :) So cool.
"The Earth has music for those who listen..." - Wilmot Hyde Bradley
Speaking of science...this was strange.
I was driving around today, getting things done. I made more than one stop at Starbucks, that kind of day. Fully caffeinated, here.
So, I've be reintroduced to Michael Franti, a favorite from back in the day. Just a great beach vibe. So, I'm doing my little car-concert, bouncing along to this tune...and I maneuver to put the top windows up, because: too windy, eating hair. A/C on. Windows up, and it's like I went through a wormhole... "this one is much more violent!" The car shook, the pressure was unequal, my ears were popping... WHAT THE FUCK? Had I driven through a space-time ripple? Was I in the Nexus, a la Star Trek Generations? And if so, what time had I landed in? No such luck, it was way more simple...
I turned around and low and behold, one window in the backseat was still down. What actually happened there? Why would one window down, in a car driving 55 mph, cause such violent weather inside? I didn't know. So, I let Franti sing to me some more. He knows one thing: he loves me, he loves me, he loves me. And we sang a diddy together on St. Thomas, in my mind, for 5 nanoseconds. I got to shake the sand-shaker. I was good, you guys. Right on. So. Window forgotten, temporal energy ribbon or not.
And then Starbucks happened: Now, my new drink, since Iced Caramel Macchiatos are about 4,000 grams of sugar, and I'm trying to curb sugar intake, is a doppio over ice with a smidge of coconut milk. Yum. I've found that I love strong coffee, or espresso, I don't even add sweetener. Because I am so badass. So good, though. And it's half the price of the fancy, sugary, syrupy stuff. So. Win. But here's what happened...I felt deep guilt about the plastic. I didn't bring my travel cup. So, at Starbucks the Sequel, I handed over my slurped-on-lipstick-strawed-used plastic cup from before, and asked for another doppio, please. I got a look. Yeah... one of THOSE looks. The no-she-didn't look. I did, I really did, though. It's called reusing and it's good. Try it. Punks. Anyway...he carefully handled it like the test-tubes in the infectious disease labs. I imagined him in a yellow Hazmat suit with the weird breathing apparatus, like in Outbreak. DON'T RIP THE SUIT! You don't know what's in that cup!
So, I got my drink, and all went well, but the way it creeped these kids out, was funny to me. The credit card machine that they handle every single day, the cash that exchanges hands, the air they breathe, the pump at the last gas station... all of these things that they touch, daily, sometimes...have WAY MORE GERM POTENTIAL than my lil old cup. I'm just me. My mouth, that straw, that's it. One universe of germs there, manageable. And I'm pretty healthy, I eat sauerkraut and drink kombucha, so. I mean...yeah. You know what I'm saying.
I might be the nosiest person I know. I can't not observe, when I go places. When I do anything, really. How does this work, who are these people, what are they saying, what do we have in common, what do we not, why are they behaving like that? Why am I? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
And then music. And words. And music and words and words and music. And Gaia.
With fully opened eyes and mind, the realities we face, daily, can be overwhelming. We all need our anchors and grounding methods. Sometimes Life is terrifying, sometimes, manageable. Sometimes we get beyond fear, to that place where it becomes utter magnificence and effortless Bliss. Yes...that. Oh, that. We LOVE that. Let's just always be THAT! Ah.... (mental vacation to the beach...) But, the truth remains, that potentialities can be paralyzing, too, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE GOOD! What is that? Why, humans, why, do we do this? Why do we shield ourselves from those things which enliven us most? It all boils down to two things, with every experience in Life. As I was reminded, by a mind body coach friend, during our epic girl-talk sesh on the beach, recently: I am not enough... vs... I am enough.
"You are a ghost driving a meat covered skeleton made of stardust riding a rock floating through space." Right? So what are we all so afraid of? Yet, we are. Fear exists, it's real, it's genetically encoded in our cellular and energetic memory, although our threats have diminished, greatly. Is that right? Am I reading that right? No lions and arrows flying at us as we scavenge for berries and wash in the river basin. Got it.
Still. I don't think we "get over" fear. Waiting for it to leave, to transcend it, to arrive above and beyond it, through whatever self-help scenarios that we try...I just don't think that's how it works. I think our psyches are far too stubborn and like to hold on to what they "know." We thrive and learn experientially. Our animal selves have to look at it. See it, up close. Study it, flip it over, move it about with our big toe for a while. Check in with our counterparts... "looks okay, right? I don't think this will eat or dismember me, do you?"
Fear is right to keep. And we still need it, because there are still harmful and violent forces out there. And maintaining a good, reasonable radar, is just smart. I am all for adventure, but I won't tape cash to my naked body and stroll through Central Park at midnight. Because that's not brave, it's idiotic. Most of the irrational fears that plague us, as a society, these days...most...are fear of emotional experience. Fear of feelings. Yes, it's true. I can't because... I'll be scared. I'll be timid. I'll screw up. I'll say something dumb, and get embarrassed. I'll do it wrong, and then I'll be sad. I'll get rejected, and then I'll be sad. "They're all gonna laugh at you," like in the Adam Sandler skit. Fear of feelings, fear of...not being enough.
You guys...Life happens, and not every path leads to eternal Bliss, but sometimes they do. Sometimes it's for a long time, sometimes, it's a whisper in the breeze and it's gone. Whether it's a job, a relationship, a romance, a friendship... That's reality. But I promise you. I promise you, whatever it is, you are enough to engage in new experiences. And you are enough to recover and keep going if it's a mistake, and you are enough to let your heart open more, and keep going if it's intriguing and worth it.
You are enough. We all are. Take chances. Live. Experience. Wonder. All of that. Life is short. So am I...but it doesn't stop me from living my Life. Ha. Off to write some wild horses into a corral... such a beautiful day here. Sunny, warm, yet breezy. Ah...just blissful.
Ciao for now. xoxo