The editing process is the opposite of the creative. As I needle through my text, I feel a frustration build inside, a chaos. The creative force inside has no release, it's let out in tiny doses. This pent up energy causes stagnation, which causes overthinking. I don't always realize I'm going in circles, but when I catch myself in it, or take a nice (metaphorical) right hook in the face, I know I need to find a release. I force some silence, cut off the confusion outside of me, and retreat inside, so I can hear myself. I don't do well when I stifle my creativity. Everything shuts off. So, I felt inspired to write up a blog post, and how freeing it is to clear out that space. And let the energy flow through again. I am eternally in awe and gratitude of calm after the storm. The quote at the bottom of the page has been making the rounds and seems to resonate with so many women. So I thought I'd dive into some backstory, give some more color.
Once we've opened our eyes to the idea that we are the creators of our own perceptions and thoughts, imbued with our own sort of magic and opportunity, we can never again live in the same way. Each new stumble, scuffle, loss, and obstacle reminds us that we are here to learn. And to know that, to be aware of that, is powerful.
I've spoken with so many women recently, who seem to share the same story, at the heart of things.
Something isn't right, we aren't understood, something went wrong, we don't feel good enough, we aren't valued. And these ideas erupt from so many things, so many situations, and it can be absolutely heartbreaking. It can freeze you in your tracks or it can cause you to wake up. It could be issues with family members, relationship issues, divorce, betrayals, backstabbing friends, issues at work. It goes on and on. Negativity abounds. And the one thing I notice when I listen, is the question..."what's the point?" Why try. Why rock the boat. Why cause a confrontation?
And I get that, I used to fear confrontation. My face was in the OED next to the term.
I want to tell you that you can make waves. You can speak up. You can raise the bar. You're allowed to want things. You're allowed to want things. You have something inside of you, and it may have been silenced or muted after years of status quo and not tending to your own needs. This is learned and re-taught, sadly. Sometimes people love us the best way they know how, yet we are still stifled for whatever reason. Sometimes it happens in a very damaging and abusive way, that requires lots of healing and recovery. Sometimes it's in a subtle, charismatic, and sly way, so much so that you don't realize that it's happening. Sometimes it's simply that, you just hadn't given it any thought, and then something unexpected occurs to cause a shift in you. But one way or the other, this thing inside...has always been there and is speaking to you. It was born in you. It's a force of nature, it's the essence of life and creation, it's Divine in its nature and it is within you.
Sometimes you hear it, in your quiet thoughts, the ones you swallow down because you don't want to appear needy. Because you don't want to complain. Because you don't want to cause anyone hurt, you'd rather shoulder it all. This voice...is who you are. It is your magic, it is your fire, it is the passion within that will make you live your life fully, in wonder and joy. You're allowed to want things.
I want to tell you that you have a voice, a sacred voice, that needs to be listened to. The frustration mounts inside, swirling around in us, when our minds are too busy. With demands, obligations, judgements, opinions, put-downs, and all the wonderful images we're slammed with in the media to further instill a sense of inadequacy. There is so much noise, so much confusion, so much fear in our world, that we can't hear ourselves. We don't reconnect. We learn to subdue those inner rumbles, rather than let them yell out, and celebrate them. Celebrate them for the gift that they give us: passion. A fire within to stand up and voice our dreams and desires.
I ask that when you feel that rumble, when you hear those whispers, that you listen. What is it that you want? Are you thriving and grateful for the life you get to live? If no, ask yourself why not? Have you always wanted to sing, but had stage fright, so you pushed it down to where the idea fell asleep? Do you want to travel and see the world? Do you want to experience healthier family relationships? Do you want a more just and equal relationship with your partner? Do you want to switch careers? I can go on and on. The human experience is limitless, there are many fulfilling things to want.
You're allowed to want things.
If this resonates with you, if you feel called to something new, something different, or something that's hibernating deep inside from long ago... I ask that you simply...listen. Honor what your heart, your soul, is asking for. Your purpose here, is to be alive and to live your life in a way that fills you with gratitude, beauty, peace, reverence, and joy. The way into that state of being is to listen, look inside yourself and to find that passion, that brings you to life. Listen for the rumble. When you discover what that is, and you believe that you are worthy of pursuing it, the universe surrounds you with the motivation and the means to make it happen. And when the path becomes clear, the journey will begin. Just the thought, the purposeful thought, of seeking to know oneself can put you at the beginning of an adventure. Of the soul, of the spirit. An adventure into you. There is only one you in all of creation. You are unique, you matter, you are special, because you exist.
You have so much power, you probably won't know how much until you are tested. Until the storms come fast for you and you stand up in the rain and wind. And each time, you learn more, you grow a little, you uncover more of your inherent strength. You are powerful. You have wildness and magic within you. A spark, that still glows, despite anything that you've been through. Find it. Trust it. Don't apologize for wanting to explore it. You are Dvinely inspired. You are here on purpose. We all suffer loss. We all deal with betrayal. We all lose our way. But you don't have to stay lost. Find the spark.
You are so powerful. You're allowed to want things: live your life, because it's your life. Own it. Declare it. Take action. Make noise, and reconnect to your peace, self-love, and passion that screams to you. Once you do, the forces of creation, and God energy, come alive within you. Allow that blessing. Stand up and be you. And don't apologize for using your voice, you were born to use it.
Live out loud. ❤️
I said that I wouldn't post a blog until I was finished with the first draft. And I am glad I stuck to that, because it fueled me to finish and not quit. And it wasn't easy. Writing something like this, that explores spirituality, passion, the mind, the soul, the heart, strength of women...and life in general...can be quite a journey, even if it's fiction. I look back at the process in terms of levels. Back in the summer, when this all began, I was on a quest. Hunting. Searching. Looking for answers. Each question led me to more questions, and on and on. At times I would face obstacles, a brick wall of sorts, in my own thought patterns. They had to do with writing blocks, doubts, and concerns about my own thoughts and beliefs. But I've learned to step back and observe them. And always ask myself, what is the lesson here? We are here to learn. To grow. To push through and rejoice and then to do it all over again, around and around. If we can view our lives in this way, always understanding that we are on a journey, we will find inner peace. Freedom in our thoughts. Humility in our faith and gratitude for the whole process; for the very gift of life.
I learned so much about myself and my own thought patterns in this journey. Looking back through my own history, I can see where I've been self-destructive. I've been selfish at times and I've been too weak to use my own voice, allowing myself to be a doormat at others. I know that what I used to believe was love was really infatuation. It was on the surface, it was fleeting, and it was conditional. Most importantly, I've seen how I used to devalue myself, just in my own thoughts. We can be our own worst enemies.
When you are blessed with something seemingly magical, random, and beautiful - that doesn't make sense in your rational mind - like a gorgeous summer day in December, for example, do you say, "wow, amazing, thank you!" Or do you question it? Look at it funny, wonder what the catch is, throw every negative that you can at it to explain it to your rational mind? The same is true for any unexplained acts of kindness and love in our lives. If you don't see love, peace, and strength in yourself...you won't find it elsewhere. If you have found self-love, connection within to all that is, and faith, then you can begin to perceive every thing that crosses your path through the eyes of love. You can learn not to look for love or validation or approval, but that it is already within you. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Forgive yourself. And all you need to do, the ONLY THING you need to do, is let go of it. Throw it in the river, and let is wash away. Then let that empty space fill up with love. Share it. Live in it, be it. Allow yourself to fall apart, allow the crumbling, the torment, the feelings of being lost. Feel it, thoroughly. And stare at it, observe it, face it. Only then, in the darkness of your own being, can you find your light. That spark, that glowing ember that never went out. It's there. And then...you begin. And with faith you walk forward, knowing that everything will unfold for you, in grace and perfection.
I once said, in a fit of doubt and vitriol, that we cannot sit by and vibe our way to peace and love and accomplishment. That we had to go out there, forcefully, and make it. Take it. I was wrong. And I ask you to forgive me if I caused you doubt. The thing is...I was about to push through to another level, and I didn't realize the little storm that I was in, where my history came back to throw challenges in my face. There are no answers, there are only our thoughts. Only in deconstructing what we think we know, and coming to a place of nothingness, of detachment, can we begin to see the truth. It starts within. Sometimes, we have to go around the circle a few times to see it. To really understand. At this stage in my journey, I can honestly tell you that I know nothing. But I delight, in every moment, the idea of discovering, learning, and inching another step forward. And building toward mastery of my own thoughts, as I aim to inspire an idea of this awakening, this gift, this miracle... in others. I am overwhelmed with gratitude in the gift I've been given, the experience of falling to pieces and finding who I really am and what I'm made of. And my goal now, is to show - and lift others up, to find that spark inside, and to take a step. One step...and the rest will follow.
Thank you. Love to you. Keep following, and watch for the ebook in the spring. Keep up with my journey of awakening on Facebook.com/Ana.J.Awakens and I send you the courage and strength to start your own journey.
Look inside... And start asking questions. <3