I've decided / have learned that I can be grateful and delighted about all the goodness in Life, and still voice my Truth when things aren't right within it.
That I can adore, cherish, and celebrate the opportunity and gift of motherhood, and still enjoy my work, my creativity, and enjoy a vacation, on my own, as a woman.
That I can be noncommittal to any one religion and still seek, unravel, explore, and alchemize with Spirit, Love, Light, Faith, and the great energetic web of Life.
That I can Love all life forms including myself and still eat meat, sometimes.
That I can respect people and not have to agree with them.
That I can keep writing, always, even when I don't know where it's going yet.
That I can evolve and outgrow myself, in layers, as sure as I can outgrow others and they can outgrow me.
That I can make idiotic facepalm mistakes, often, and still be worthy of my place, my direction, my goals, my Life.
That I can like who I like, that preferences are allowed, that I'm allowed to want things, while always seeking to serve.
That I can follow my path into complete nihilism...and still rewrite my Universe into Love. Over and over and over again.
That I might not ever really know what I'm talking about, and yet, still feel called to share.
Because I choose to. Because it's why we're here.
Learn. Love. Repeat. 💜
No More Bullshit
I was planning to write a nice, sweet post about how inspired I was at the Peabody museum, visiting the reconstructed Chinese House there. And it was lovely, indeed. I do have stories and magical moments to share.
But I listened to a podcast on the way home that made my blood boil... it was "for empaths." I consider myself an empath, one sensitive to subtle energies, intuition, etc... But as I tuned in, the speaker, whom I won't identify, simply sounded tortured and in pain and miserable and angry, so angry, at the whole world for not coddling her. Which can be a quite harmful way to live. Just my opinion, of course. It didn't soothe me or calm me or validate me at all, as a lot of other speakers can: it felt like a hateful attack against confident people. Like someone who'd been bullied too long and just never quite healed and grew through it, got stronger, etc... Like she just carried the pain, the wounding, forward with her, into every corner of her life. Casting aside anyone who might threaten her safe bubble where everyone is bland and nice. And knowing that I am a balance of both of these... as we all are... I couldn't finish the podcast. She was just hating herself, and others, it seemed. And loudly. So... I sat with that, I rolled around in it. Thought about it. Thought about all of these understandings and explanations about how to do Life. I fell asleep with it.
Epiphany/rant upon waking this morning:
We are all narcissists and we are all empaths. We all have light sides, we all have dark sides. The harder you lean to one side, lifting one, condemning the other, the more you divide and disrupt what should be a natural sort of harmony. Yin/yang.
No, I'm not saying embrace true sociopaths: those who choose heinous acts, beyond normalcy: like incest, rape, harmful crimes, unwarranted destruction, manipulative cruelty against other people, they may demonstrate cult-like and controlling behavior, those who seek to control your mind and design your life-choices for their own gain or insecurities, those folks who make your hair stand up and you just KNOW something is wrong... etc... most of us, simply aren't this. We're just working, searching folks looking for connections, meaning, and smiles, trying not to muck things up too bad. So don't read into any of this and internalize. For clarity, I consider Hitler to be in the above category. The unibomber. The psychopaths that shoot up children in schools. Not *you* because you were a bitch at the grocery store... we all go there, sometimes.
I am just sick of seeing good people categorized as "evil narcissists" because they are simply honest and assertive and successful. Because they chose a different path than you did, and won, even if they made mistakes along the way. Most...learn and grow.
Just like not all "empaths" are weak, broken, and victims of awful abuse.
That's just not so. We all have the potential for these gifts if we focus and allow them. It's a gift of mind, and of life-experience, available to all of us, and it's not "chosen" or especially selected for a blessed few. That, right there, whether you like it or not... is... narcissistic thinking. Sorry, sweet angel empath. (I identify as an empath and work hard at investigating this potential, but I am no angel... I am human.)
We are all both. All of us. Nurture BALANCE. Stay in the middle. That's it.
"Which wolf do you feed?"
I think these extremes are dangerous and do more harm than good for humanity, as a whole. Just like religion and any harsh dogma or strict ideologies that favor one group over another. They separate and push us away from each other. Just more labels to further complicate things. Republican, democrat. Hipster, hippie. Lover, fighter. Flowers, weeds. Religious, athiest. Christian, heathen. Giver, taker. Paleo, vegan. "My way is better than yours..." It goes on and on and on. I'm fed up.
I'm so done. I'm just... so done. We are all...everything. We have good days, bad days. We get upset and say stupid things, we come through when needed and do amazing things. We are selfish and want things, while also being compassionate, while we give things ... when appropriate. *When appropriate.* And it's within all of us to figure Life out.
I had a vision, last night, like I was flying over the country, the world, in an airplane. And all I saw were circles of BS. This one, smearing and spreading his BS over everything, covering up his lot of believers. The other one, she was doing the same, and then that one, and that one...and on and on and on. Circles upon circles of BS. But from up there, it was ALL BS. Everyone, laying dormant, beneath circles of BS, spread by someone else. They couldn't even see the sky, the clouds, the birds: all they saw was this ceiling of BS. Imposed upon them by others. "This is who I say you are..."
Show me the folks that are cleaning up the crap that distorts the view that we are truly peaceful, kind, loving folks at heart, and I'll show you a true leader. Those that teach us to think, to decide, and not to follow along, blind...for a super-low price of $49.95.
Color me disillusioned. Yet, smarter, stronger, and more focused on my place in the world, than ever before. I'll elaborate, it's fairly simple: the universe is already balanced. Good things happen, bad things happen.
I'd rather enjoy my Life, and make beautiful things, then sit around worrying about it.
I don't post these bits of writing as often as I used to, although I'm still writing, offline. These days, it often seems as though, if it's not posted on social media, it didn't happen. We post and share these snippets, these moments, these mere fractals of who we are and get to paint pictures of each other based on these snippets. They are just that, though. Snippets. Tiny little pieces, glimpses; some real, some not. Although more and more, I think collectively, we can tell what's authentic and what isn't. And that's okay, we learn to be discerning. All of it is for a reason, for our growth and expansion. I say as long as you get something positive as a takeaway, be it a church, a "tribe," a Facebook group, new connections and friends, whatever it is...as long as you can grow and learn things about yourself and improve, then it's worth it. It's all worth it. In this world, I think it's absolutely worth the cost of some subscription fee to find a community of people that think like you and love you the way that you are. Caring for our minds, for our mental health, is abysmal, in this country. So, in this new path of awareness, we somehow end up caring for each other. In our communities, our friendships, our relationships of so many forms. In the knowing how interconnected we are, self-mastery is really evolving all of humanity. So, it's not selfish to explore, know, love, and care for yourself, it's vital. For the whole.
This is our world now. Global. Interconnected. Electric and pulsating with webs of energy, holding us together, and it's not just the internet. We feel each other now, all over the spectrum. Hot and cold, happy and sad, nourished and starving. It's permeating into everything, our media, our TV shows, it's all over popular culture. (I've just been introduced to Sense8 and felt myself nodding fervently... YES, JUST LIKE THAT!) And why? Why are these new and unique ways of feeling and sensing the world and each other becoming entertainment? Because people feel something that stirs and moves them, and write or create something to capture it. Thoughts spread, they plant seeds, and create clusters of new thoughts. And so it goes.
I've read accounts that say it's all Mind. Consciousness. Everything. And I believe this. I believe that soul and consciousness are one and the same, I've said as much before. And as such, the mind/soul runs on programs, or ... stories. (Enter Joseph Campbell.)
Our existence, at the core, is thought-based. How often does science-fiction become science? And how? Because some creative somewhere glimpsed a different view and brought it out of the ether and into our mind-space. And it then became something tangible, something imaginable, something...real. Much like a chef visualizes a dish in the mind: how it looks, its textures, how it feels in the mouth, how it tastes on the tongue ... and then gets to create it in the physical. It all starts with thought. So, let's be careful what we wish for, lest we bring it into being with us. Yes, the human mind is that powerful, it's all connected. Everything. Always, through energy. Imagine and create, imagine and create. It's what we do. It's who we are.
I do love to wax philosophical. But moving on...
As far as my own writing goes, I've been struggling with focus a lot. Too many projects working, not enough focus on one particular piece of writing. I think I get ahead and figure something out, dive in, strong, and then I lose focus and go chase a butterfly into another state, past a waterfall, stumble into a new patch of green, a new path, a new trail, a new shining face, a new story. Or a new city. I adore novelty, anything new. Always exploring, seeking, searching, learning. Not looking for more, or chasing something, but because deep inside I have this inextinguishable desire to experience my life. Up close. I want to feel the sculpture and allow my mind to time-travel back to its creator and absorb those sensations and perspectives (see: psychometry). I want to see original works of art, up close, with my own eyes, not reproduced. I want to inhale the sweet scents of tropical citrus in the evening breeze, lingering with the ocean spray and twilight air. I want to savor the exquisite flavors of new food prepared in another country with ingredients local to that place, with a passion steeped in culture and tradition.
I can use my extra-senses so easily now, and I love that, but I am a grounded, physical being, and I want to dive in and FEEL my life up close. With my body, my fingers, my toes, my face. Which is all great for inspiration, but when do I actually use that...and WRITE? Well, I have in fact, been quite distracted. It's true. All the while, I've had this other project on the front burner...
"You can't ride two horses with one ass, sugar bean." - Sweet Home Alabama
So. I've been working on the book of ME. The most challenging, yet most rewarding project that I've ever had the courage to work on...has been myself. What do I want, what do I not like? Who am I, really? Am I a novelist, or something else? What do I believe, what do I fight for, what do I value and hold closer than anything else? What kind of world do I want to live in, what kind of world do I want my son to grow up in? What do I eat, what makes me feel good, what keeps me the most healthy? Do I like the gym or do I like yoga? Or both? What collections of preferences make up...me?
Big questions, and I'll be honest, I still don't know how to answer some of them. As I've stated many times, I am a spiritual seeker. A quest person, a path person, a lesson junkie, a soul who seeks to evolve and grow at all turns. Sometimes, I make mistakes and pull back into myself and realize that I let my ego drive. Sometimes, for months at a time. And that's okay. All of it is. We are spiritual beings, with very grounded earth-based bodies that need attention and care as well. We often pretend that we get off path, off course. That we lose our way, that we fall. What if it's all the same course? What if every trip and fall and stumble and mistake is all right where it's supposed to be?
I don't know. I know 3% of what I used to claim to know. That's not to say that I am offering the idea that I am unintelligent. But merely to say that...there is more that we don't know, as a species, than that which we do know. Which is what makes it all so fun and exciting. Facts or opinions don't become more powerful or more true the louder they are ranted. They just morph with the rest of the noise. And that's all we have is noise, everywhere. Phones, gadgets, watches, tablets, computers, TVs, magazines, books, and on and on and on.
Life is to be felt, experienced, chosen, and learned from, I feel. Individually, toward a collective contribution, as a species on a diverse planet. I only know that I can listen. And transform, toward the call of my own soul, my own path. We might cross from time to time, but your path is yours...it is not mine.
Finish Wild Horses & Mistakes
Embark on a quest of further spiritual study while pursuing next creative endeavor... which is hard to summarize, but to say... that my real story lies in my humanity. In co-parenting, in managing anxieties, in choosing happiness and seeing beauty in life despite what seems to crumble around us. And the tools, techniques, and lovely explorations of self that help us along the way.
Here's what I do know, an unabashed who-am-I:
the light side:
a loving and learning Mom
a giver, a sharer
a creative, free spirit
an empath and a healer
a kid at heart
a cheerleader and well-wisher
an optimist, overall
a kitchen/car dancer, with dreams of live salsa or samba lessons
a family-centered person
an awakened woman, who has an arsenal of tools and techniques for living a joyful and connected life and feels it's a mission to share with these with others
the dark side:
often plagued with anxiety, mine or someone else's, although the healing is the same
independent and quite stubborn, yet often feels lonely
scattered and unfocused
often puts way too much on my plate so that something always falls off
has trouble with setting healthy boundaries, at times
has binders of healthy recipes and doesn't make time to prep or cook
too self-critical and quick to self-sabotage
given to eating sugar-laden comfort foods when overloaded with sensory information
sends mixed signals, due to anxieties and trust issues
sometimes internalizes and shuts down and seeks solitude when overwhelmed
lives in a world of energy that most don't/won't understand and thereby has many walls up
I'll catch up soon... xoxo