Something horrible yet wonderful happened last night.
Lots of things have been new and different lately. At work, in the country. In the world. We are all at the beginning of a new cycle, as far as the big Wheel goes. And most times, I shrug things off, lose myself in nature, reset, and I'm just fine again.
But last night, something was off. Way deep down, and I couldn't place it. It was one of those nights when my mind is just too heavy with thoughts and what ifs and whys and why nots. Trying to figure things out. Make sense of it. Of small things, grand scale things. Life.
Knowing my son was sound asleep, I took a hot shower. I came back into the bedroom to quiet things down, slow myself down, and meditate. To go seeking...inside. And it worked. It always does, and yet I always let myself get too busy to allow myself the time.
What was different though, this time, was the letting go. Rather than pleading or praying for peace, for strength, for something to change... rather than... surrender... I surprised myself. I allowed it. All of it. Whatever I was feeling and struggling with, I let it be and I stopped trying to mess with it or remove it or heal it. I left it alone. Where I would once chant inside, "please give me strength, fill me with peace," etc... Last night, it was different. Something inside switched over and calmed itself. And this time, I said, "I can handle what's mine. I can handle...what's mine." Just like that.
For a few moments, a part of me wanted to panic. Shift, fidget, throw in a "hail Mary," just in case. A quick nod to the angels, to the Gods, the Fates, guides, something... Isn't that funny? And yet. I chose, last night, to be strong enough. To be enough. To believe that whatever forces of nature and magic were out there, were also in me. Already.
And something miraculous happened: they were. They are. I slept with a smile on my face. Peace in my heart. A calm and centered mind. Sleeping soundly beneath a blanket of proverbial white light. All I did, was allow myself to do it.
We provide ourselves with everything that we need, in so many ways. Some things are indeed beyond our control. But many things are not. SO many things... including mindset, discipline, faith, goals, desires, dreams... simply require ourselves to show up. And to trust in our ability to get through, whatever getting through means.
And once we can do this individually, we can share with each other. Allow each other to get through, the way that we allow ourselves to.
It's so easy to give advice, to lecture, to preach. It's more difficult to wish for another to get it, and to sit back, silently, and watch them learn. I have great respect for the people who can do this.
"I did not come to teach you, I came to love you. Love will teach you." - Unknown