Those of you who’ve followed me for a good while know that I write through my life. If I find myself in an emotional mess, in a state of confusion, if I find myself wondering about the nature of things, if I feel lost... I craft a question and dive in. I write through it and heal. I write my way out.
I haven’t written for a while, because I’m in such a lovely, yet challenging, state of just being. Self-care. Focus. Staying grounded and doing good work. Setting boundaries and knowing priorities.
And I love that. The right project will find me when it needs to and I’ll be ready for it. Truth be told, my goals and dreams are changing, the more I simplify toward what I really want from life.
And in retrospect, it’s been fascinating, the “archaeology of me.” ... all through my worries and oddness post-pregnancy, I wondered why I was so anxious. Like, beyond normal. No one understood. No one could see into my head.
I had to piece it all together in my own - it wasn’t PPD, it wasn’t baby blues. The doctors said I was fine, just antsy, and it would go away. Or I could take a drug. I was just unsteady and irrationally afraid. All the time. I wanted to get to the root of it. I wanted to face it and understand it, even if no one else could.
I could. It was my life, after all.
On the other side of Wild Horses and Mistakes, I realized that my anxiety condition from my youth and teen years came back but with a new vengeance. And a bit of paranoia. A new social media addiction wasn’t helping things... anyone who’s watched The Social Dilemma will understand why.
So... a little therapy here, a little yoga there. Lots of meditation. A focus on the right foods. Better sleep habits. Exercise. Choosing joy. The right mentors to follow. The right friendships for where I was at. And learning to trust my gut and intuition, as I wrangled through fears.
It’s been a 5 year journey so far, and I feel so much more like me these days that it’s just about awe-inspiring. I’m grateful - for the tools and the work on ME that I got to do.
Only this year, way on the other side, can I point a solid finger toward what I was experiencing.
On Postpartum Anxiety:
Moms... if this sounds like you, reach out. You don’t have to live life that way. There are tools. Groups. Strategies. Methods. Coaches. Spiritual practices. Books. Podcasts. PPA is real but it doesn’t have to wreck your life. And many doctors (I found) won’t even bring it up or talk about it. But it’s real and you can heal.
You can learn to get grounded, steady, healthy, and trust yourself again. Though waves will still come, you’ll be able to handle them. You’ll be more resilient. Stronger. Patient. Empathetic. You can learn all of the tools that YOU need to wrangle your life and keep showing up, feeling good and steady. Promise. And your little one(s) will benefit most of all.
Just commit to yourself and you’ll get there. My life is simple by design. I choose a peaceful life, with moments of bliss and adventure here and there. Peace of mind can’t be bought. But it can be chosen and cultivated and crafted, over time.
...and it’s always somewhere in the middle of things.
“Know thyself.” - Socrates