I'd had a bit of a realization, recently. Just after recording my "return to podcasting..." I began recording it while I was pushing through creative blocks. Again. Story-crafting. Narratives. Characters in my head. And I've always been a writer, in some form. I've always processed the world internally. Introvert, before I knew what it was.
In my organizing and self-sorting and re-assessing...I noticed something.
That when I am writing a novel, I fade. I don't know how else to say it, but I tend to disappear into myself and live in imaginary worlds. Unchallenged. Safe in my words. And perhaps that's just what creative writing is. But I also noticed that I felt... stagnant. Heavy. In place, like I was stuck in mud. It felt like I was hiding, instead of living.
In writing (and living) Wild Horses, I saw just how much life is out there. How much there is to see, learn, experience. Travel. Life. Adventure. People and places. New, new, new. All those simple pleasures of life that I'd missed. And this was going to be my year to push past it all, to reinvent, to LIVE. Instead... COVID hit and I was pushed further inward, instead. And it's all okay. It was a necessary regrouping. Rebirthing.
And something turned over, in this latest hibernation, this recent self-evaluation.
I work a desk job by day. I sleep at night, I sleep well. And if I spent all those extra hours sitting in imaginary worlds... as much fun as that can be... well, it's no wonder that quaran-ten crept on. There was no movement, except some coffee-break walks here and there.
Recently, I took it back. I took my time back. I admitted to myself that I still lived with hypothyroidism. That I've been blessed with the bizarre experience of peri-menopause - the cessation of periods and the fluctuation of hormones and moods and anxieties and concentration and so on - about 10-15 years too early. Genetic, they say. Annoying, but not dangerous. So, self-care should be absolutely paramount, and it's been last - behind art, behind work, behind parenting, behind proving myself to others, relentlessly...and it had to change.
So, I immersed deeper and deeper and my body wanted deep stretching. Breathing. Connecting. Releasing. So, I took up yoga again, regularly. I am obsessed with Yin Yoga, but do regular vinyasa flow, too.
Online classes, streaming, or videos at home. And I remembered how much I missed it. And I saw that my self-care routine slips when I immerse into novel writing and no matter how I try to do everything, I just. Can't.
Full-time working mother, here. So, in that immersion into yoga, and away from the laptop, something happened. See, just after my first book was done, I did women's workshops. They were successful for a while. Meditations, connecting, friendships, collaborations, networking... And somewhere, I felt unworthy to lead them, not "something" enough to gather and connect with other women. And looking back, I can see so clearly... a path laid out that has led me to such deep self-acceptance and release and a return to what I started out doing.
Long story short, I've recommitted to self-care in a much deeper way. It's a pattern that keeps repeating... I begin on a course to meet or exceed my health goals, then ART HAPPENS and I abandon it all. I choose art, which I thought was the right thing.
This time, I'm choosing to let the art change... into lighter expressions that are healthier in all ways - poetry, songwriting, some fiber crafting, and who knows what else. Creativity is creativity, it never leaves, it just changes shape. I put the book ideas away until I can devote to them, fully, if I choose. They won't go anywhere, all those ideas. And I've decided that I just love yoga and women's workshops a bit more, and I'd rather recommit to those. To me.
So, I'm enrolling in my YTT (yoga teacher training); it's been on the burner for about 5 years now. And I keep putting things in front of it. Part of the fear in that was self-image issues. Me? Teach? But I... etc...
I used to look at myself and apologize. Take issue, and call myself... too big, too awkward, oddly shaped, thick thighed, not a yoga body, too voluptuous, and so on. I couldn't find the beauty in myself that others did.
And now... simply put, I have. I'm rather fond of...me.
And I've returned to a place where I just want to celebrate my body and what it can do. To celebrate each gift, and what it can do. What I can offer with what I've been given, rather than what I ought to get and what I want. Gratitude and reflection are the most magical of elixirs...
The course starts in January and I'm excited. Resistance whispers, but I ignore it these days. ...backseat and shush. Throughout life, in so many circumstances, we're allowed to change our minds when presented with new information, priorities, or opportunities.
Hi. I'm Stacie. And I've been to the bottom. I've been lost and confused and searching for purpose. I've been drowning and grasping and clinging to light, wherever I could find it. I've chased. I've hidden. I've been distrustful and cruel. I've overshared and been absurd and felt humiliated. I've been buried and stunted by anxieties and fears. I've vanished into conspiracies and wormholes and horrors and rage. I've identified periods of depression and sorted through them and their roots, and I've cried and cried and cried through things that have hurt my heart more than I ever believed that anything could. And yet, I stand. I've climbed and suffered and fought my way back to the present moment that feels just perfectly on time and beautiful and sunny and glistening with potential and hope. And I've grown deeply familiar with simplicity, ease, Grace, forgiveness, and compassion.
There's a lot of wrong to see or fear... out there. But there's so much right going on, in here. And when we change what's in here, the "out there" changes its hue, a little.
Perspective is everything.
I'm here to inspire, educate, and connect women and mothers - to remind them they have the power to create pockets of quiet, calm, beauty, and creative bliss in their otherwise hectic lives - whatever those things look like. However long it takes, and it can definitely be a process. Because I believe that a grounded and simplified inner-life leads to greater wellness and long-term success in life, overall.
"You've got to know what you want and be patient enough to let it all unfold, slowly."
I don't post many pictures of myself, but I succumbed this time - while practicing some yoga poses. It's something that I'll have to get used to, I imagine. 2020 has me feeling different and so appreciative of my health. Of the luxury to practice wellness, so easily. This is me celebrating the freedom to love my body, as it is, pain-free and steady, even as I work toward my best health. As it should be for all women.
Our wellness, mine and yours - body, mind, soul - matters. More than you'd ever realize. It's the cornerstone to everything else. Happy Mama, happy kids, happy family, happy work, happy life. I can't wait to share the past 20 years of learning, exploring, adjusting, failing, and reclaiming with you... in some new and different ways, as I explore this next chapter. I'm nervous! I'm out past the breakers, out of my comfort zone, here.
But, steady as she goes... onward. I can swim.