...why does it feel so inviting?
I love Autumn. I'm enjoying tidying up some extra sections for WHM while I learn all about query letters and research agents. And in the space, there... without an urgent project calling for me everyday, sure enough, all the loose ends of creative ideas started to scream and jump up and down for my attention:
- that Tucker novel
- those old micro-romance novels I started a few years back
- 4 or 5 other writing ideas from years back, left neglected, including a post-apocalyptic dystopia
"Me, me, me, me next!!"
Zip it, guys. I'm just not listening. I'm tired.
Those ideas all seem to fly right past me. And it dawned on me that I didn't have to jump right into bed with something new. That I could enjoy the pause and come back down to earth for a while and enjoy the lovely life that I have here... which is already quite full... without having the pressure of another big project looming.
I'd been working on this project, Wild Horses and Mistakes, in different ways, since December of 2016. A year of exploring and seeking, feeling and healing, forgiving and resting. Replenishing. Learning to take care of and sincerely love myself and what I'd gone through; and all that I chose to become and push toward, rather than crumbling into someone that I knew wouldn't really be me. Chasing down faith and meaning and hope with nets, left with only moments of perspective, bliss, awe, peace, or new-found wisdom. And I loved all of it, I am different on the other side. I can only feel grateful for all of it.
And then, there's been nearly a year now of the actual writing: crafting a narrative and diving into all the tedious editing and re-reading, again and again and again. And it still doesn't feel quite done, but I don't think it ever does. Because as artists and writers, well...we are constantly evolving and seeing the world in new and different ways. And I think, I just want to keep the work as current as possible, you know, as current to "me" as I can. But it's got to get out there, as it is, for what it is, and I'll start something new, when the time is right.
I think that's what artists do.
We're never quite done, are we? Always moving and growing and absorbing and wondering and boiling down these intricate and awe-inspiring versions of our respective realities... for the world's consumption. Hoping against all hope that someone, somewhere, will be moved. Touched. Affected. Will get it, will get us, appreciate us and all that we have to say. That our words and rambling nonsense and hopefully poetic and artful sentiments might make a positive impact on someone's experience of life.
That's why I do it, anyway.
So, with the cooler breeze that autumn brings, I find myself curling up and in. Slowing down and taking stock. Like the squirrels and chipmunks and birds outside my window, I'm going through my nest-space, tidying up, and making preparations for winter. Relishing in the downtime. In the rebuild, the reconstruction, the reinvention.
I can only say that it will be a very grounded and physical year: tending to the tangible. Home-life, schedules, school-year stuff, fitness and health, practicing instruments, including my voice. Since ditching cigarettes in the summer of 2016, my voice went through a metamorphic change. And I rather enjoy singing, now, much more than I used to. It hasn't felt this... clear... since adolescence.
2015 - 2016 brought a big life-change for me.
2016 - 2017 brought a focus on mental health and damaging habits.
2017 - 2018 brought a focus on spiritual understanding and deep healing.
2018 - 2019 brings a focus on the physical, tangible, on the ground, in my face stuff of life.
So, autumn is dedicated to... me. For the next few months, I'm letting go of the need to immediately produce something new. I'm taking back my extra time and energy for my more grounded and very physical goals, and giving my seeking, searching, contemplating mind a good, long rest. Turning inward and getting all cozy and warm with myself. Preparing for the other side of this book, in earnest. Fitness goals and publishing and loving on my music. Good and deep rest.
Yes, it's another year of focused self-love... but I'll be working on the outside of the house, now that I know the guts inside are good and stable. Now that I know how to walk... through just about anything. Now that I know, so much more, who I am and what I believe.
And of course, I still keep a journal. So. Maybe I'll write about it all... afterward. Here we go again.
Let's get physical. xoxo