Whole 30 Update
I have failed... at the Whole 30. But, on purpose. Here's what happened...
I was deep into it, starting week three. I was feeling strong, dodging carbs and processed foods like Neo with the bullets at the end of the Matrix. And then, there it was...
"Here you go, Mama, you can have this pancake..." my sweet, innocent, wide-eyed little boy looked at me, offering me one of his coveted pancakes. And they were good... I had bought a nice local mix from a Taste NY shop upstate, all local, natural, non-GMO stuff. Really happy pancake mix. "They're so good, Mom, crispy on the outside and then soft and warm on the inside..." My mouth was watering.
But more than that, there was this teachable moment, just hanging there.
My options as I saw them...
1. Lie and say that I wasn't hungry, or that I didn't want it.
2. Tell him that Mommy couldn't eat it, because she was eating healthy. Hm... which is also telling my son that feeding him unhealthy food is okay?
3. Stage a coup and run for it.
I decided, in that moment... that I didn't need the Whole 30 anymore. I had cleared the sugar and toxins from my system, I was feeling great, I had no true food allergies. I had rebalanced myself. And after all, the Whole 30 is an elimination diet, not a way of life. I let it go. I'd learned how to master my cravings (at least for now) and one pancake didn't turn into a carb-a-palooza. It was just one pancake. So, for me... I chose family. That might not make sense to anyone, and that's okay. But when I was staring down the truth of that moment... eye to eye with my son... tempted to choose some rigid diet dogma over a bonding bit of food... a breaking bread together, as it were... I chose love.
Fast forward... I joined a new gym. Super cheap, workout and leave, no fancy-pants classes or juice bars or Lululemon clout going on... just the workouts, ma'am. And as I near my next birthday, I look back over November and I don't feel like a failure, at all. I feel like I won. Down ten pounds, which is great for a few weeks. I learned how to balance out my food and get back to eating in a way that's healthy for me and mine. I'm getting in better shape every day and it's not hard, grueling suffering. It's easy. It's fun. I'm glad I started the Whole 30, it was a great kick in the pants. But two weeks was plenty for me to reset. I've learned to listen to my body, and I didn't need two more weeks of the same. I remembered that I could listen... to me... and make choices from there. And it's working out great.
Travel Plans Denied and Toxic Lettuce
Yep. I ate the lettuce. I was limiting social media time, (for the most part), and missed that little thing about ALL ROMAINE BEING BAD. I ate a big salad or two from the mixed greens package I had bought. And wow. I'll just say wow. So, no road trip. Grounded.
This is what I imagine happened:
"I must travel," I chanted to the universe with my chin out and my hair twirling in the breeze.
"No, she must finish her book, the gods said. "She's not listening to us, what gives..."
"The wind will come take me, I am free, I belong to the open road! Magic awaits!"
The Heavens whisper and conspire...point at me, rolling their god eyes.
"Let's put something in her food," one of them said.
"She only eats salad and nuts..." then She smiled that smile and the planets chuckled.
"No, whattya gonna poison the lettuce? Ya can't do that?!"
"So be it..."
I know, I know, I'm not the only who got sick. I'm such a narcissist, I know. Leave me alone, I'm a writer, I write things. Deal.
So, it seems my pockets are still full, I am at home editing/rewriting, and travel has been postponed. Maybe next weekend. I'll need a spa retreat by then.
Sidenote: Stay hydrated. And also... an empty belly still needs simple sugars and some potassium. I've concocted this: coconut water, warmed up like tea, Chai tea bag with some ginger...and a spoonful of local raw honey. Heh-Vun. <3
Back into Nature and Planet Healing
So, I was lying around like a lump, feeling icky. Scrolling. Watching. Reading. Napping. Oh, how nice is napping? I miss napping. Then yesterday, the mail came... and I got my limited edition shirt supporting Jane Goodall's apes. (See: Leonardo DiCaprio's social, he has the links, if you're interested.) One day left, I think. Quality shirt, I felt good about myself for contributing, and I love apes and Gaia. So. I felt so inspired just then, tapping back into something that is so much larger than myself and my petty troubles. I remembered... purpose. And I remembered that section of Wild Horses and Mistakes where I fell so deeply in love with the natural world, and so I dove back in.
It's hard to go back to a project. When the mind sees the labor as being done, and we've released it, for the most part, it's tempting to just leave it be and keep moving. Creators create. I want to make something new, anything. Going back in to rearrange and change and adjust and eliminate and restructure, and flesh out, and fix narratives, oh, eek gads. It's a whole other side of the brain. So, more grit to be earned. More focus and fine-tuning. But once I dug back in, I found it a pleasure to revisit. Which is a wonderful feeling.
I think I needed time away, and some honest opinions, to further pull out the focus and truth in this writing. Always asking myself, "what is at stake? What are you really saying? What are you leaving your readers with?" It's easy to write for myself, it's cathartic. And writing for a niche is easy, in other ways. But combining all of that, having it be and feel true, authentic, and organic, from my heart... and yet also polished enough, streamlined, straightforward and readable and pleasant and relatable for my readers, while staying true to one overall theme... is challenging, but I'm getting in there. I tell people that I'm looking for the very best way to communicate what needs to be understood. And it's bigger than me. So, it may take a little while. I want to get it right.
In the meantime, feel free to follow along with quotes and snippets on the Wild Horses and Mistakes Facebook page.
Only love. xoxo
So... Whole 30. Day 13. About halfway... and here is what's going on with me.
Breakfast: most days is eggs with lots of veggies: I.e. 2 eggs, with steamed broccoli and cherry tomatoes on the side. The veg switches in and out. Espresso with unsweetened almond milk. Some days I skip breakfast and just drink the coffee.
Lunch: huge salads... this has become my largest meal of the day. Big handfuls of greens, cucumber, olives, avocado, sauerkraut (great for gut health), leftover protein from dinner the night before, usually chicken or turkey. Sometimes bacon, sometimes not. Olive oil and vinegar for dressing. Never been a crouton person, so I don't miss that. But coming from Mediterranean people, in the beginning of this thing, I REALLY missed that hunk of rustic bread to sop up the juice at the bottom of the bowl. Now, not so much, I don't give it a thought.
Dinner: 4-5 oz of protein... chicken, turkey, or pork... (I do really miss my Beyond Burgers, though...) sweet potato or yam, more veggies. Some nights I make a Bolognese with "zoodles" and sausage on the side. Pretty tasty. Took me a minute to figure out how to properly cook them... SAUTE. Do not boil.
Snacks: fresh fruit and nuts.
Drinks: water and coffee (w/almond milk only) NO ALCOHOL, which doesn't really phase me a bit. I was never a big drinker.
The first week was miserable, because my body was detoxing from so much sugar and grain. And dairy. And processed foods.
A typical day used to look like...
Breakfast: protein shake mixed with espresso
Lunch: salad with feta cheese and lots of veggies and a few dolma
Dinner: a snack bar of some kind and a piece of fruit. (Because I was always rushing.) Then a handful of chips. Then a handful of cookies. Then a handful of chips, again. Then another cookie. Then an ice cream cone. Then a shot of bourbon, maybe, or a glass of wine. I was so carb heavy at night, it was ridiculous. I mean... NO WONDER. That mindless, night-time snacking with my son was not my friend. He's growing and it doesn't bother him a bit. Me? Fuggedaboutit.
The second week was a little better, though I still had cravings, mentally. I did "go off" for one night, unintentionally... I was out at a show, and ate at a cute little bistro beforehand. Ordered a cobb salad WITHOUT the gorgonzola. It came with, and I just wouldn't waste it. I'm just not that guy. Gal. Whatever. Also, I ordered a latte the next morning in town (Rye, NY is ADORABLE) and they gave me milk instead of almond milk. Two dairy goofs... but... I rolled on. I figured... a clean Whole 30 plus 2 tbsp of cheese and half a cup of milk? Still AMAZING. Keep going! So I did.
In my third week now... and I'm back on my fitness routine, and I feel incredible. Down about 7 pounds, face is slimmer, so clear and fresh, I have much more mental focus, and greater perspective. And I'm slooooower. Less rush, more lush. Planning, shopping, cooking, storing, eating... everything is easy, slow, graceful, mindful, and satisfying. Cooking and eating have become mindful and intentional again. I do love the kitchen in autumn and winter... there's something always cooking, good music is playing, I'm dance-chopping vegetables. Good times.
So, perspective? Yes...
The reason I love that I'm doing this is... for the mental transformation. The mindset. Getting over the proverbial mountain, yet again. There is something amazing happening inside...as well. Of course, there always is.
The discipline I'm showing myself through this simple program is spilling over into other areas of my life, and I'm getting more and more grounded and focused and tolerating less of what derails me from my own dreams, including my creative projects. That's the hard part; identifying distractions and steering clear. It's true that everything begins in the mind, with conscious thought. We find stillness, we create a picture inside, we act in line with our ideals, and we take those first tangible steps. But the real transformation comes in the doing, down here, on the ground. In the work. In the sweat and the "saying no" and the sticking to a commitment, no matter what. And the perspective comes in knowing... how easy this actually is, once I got past the hump. The body adapts very quickly to a new routine, if we're consistent. It's the mind and its stories that bring the obstacles and slow-downs. The body needs nutrients, exercise, and rest. We make the rest up.
And I think this is all right on time. The years I've spent understanding and learning to manage my anxiety and learning how to properly meditate and generate joy and gratitude inside... leave me prepared to make those hard changes, physically. Because guess what... it's all in our heads, anyway. And knowing how to look my own inner demons in the eye and keep going, makes the discomforts and small sacrifices so much easier. No cookie tastes as good as this feels, right now. (That's saying something.) And I know I've been here before, and I let myself slip away. Patterns repeat. Reflecting... I'm learning why I did, and there's wisdom in that, too. But in seeing it, I can change it. Disrupt the pattern. And what we confront and transform in the micro, makes lasting change in the macro. If it applies to my behavior in one area of my life, it will apply across the board. Energy flows where intentions flow and I'm finally learning to direct it toward myself. That feels powerful.
How ironic that I had to learn mindfulness and gratitude, that I had to learn how to face and dismantle my triggers... in order to dive wholeheartedly into something as simple as health and fitness.
Here's the simplest, scientific magic that there is: addictions are powered by dopamine. Learn to create it on your own, and you can say no to... a whole lot of things. Because you're no longer dependent on the external to give you joy. On an energetic level that means... you become your own source of Light and you begin to stop looking for other sources to fill you up and inspire you. You learn to glow from inside, you trust your own intuition, you listen to your own body, you make your own choices.
Life is funny.
Also... on the writing front... I've received some feedback about Wild Horses... and I've also grown years in a few short months. And I want to dive back in and make some changes, as much I wanted to be done. There it is again: the work. The grit. The editing. But it will be worth it, I am in love with this project. I owe it 100%.
A work in progress... but I've learned patience. And I'm not afraid of the long game.
This past moon, for me, has been all about WORK. Ground work, body work, practical concerns, physical attention.
So, here's what self-love looks like, working Earth energy... on the ground:
It's practical, it's in your face, it's tangible. It sits in your hands and sticks to your fingers. It doesn't go away when you change your mind, it stands, it roots in, it demands attention and care, by its very nature. It asks for patience, time, attention, nurturing, space and freedom, loving kindness, consistency, and persistence.
Tending to grounded and in-your-face work means:
- getting your financial house in order (revisiting the budget, cleaning up debt, building a savings if you haven't got one. Get honest about your cash flow and make the appropriate moves to get it right.)
- tending to your physical health and fitness in earnest (getting blood-work done, revisiting medications, checking in with your diet... is what you eat and drink helping you toward your visions, or holding you back? Moving your body through some form of activity on a regular basis, if possible. Are there any lingering habits that harm you? We all have our indulgences and such, but every harmful and addictive habit you say YES to, is also a NO to yourself. Know them, understand them, heal them.
- getting your physical environment organized is also important (minimize clutter where possible, sell-keep-toss what collects dust, and organize what's left for easy storage and retrieval. And this is a work in progress, we do our best, as highly engaged people. Chaos happens. But a good revamp every once in a while is great for clearing out old energy and making fresh moves.)
These are just a few, but you get the idea. I'm 5 days into a 30 day clean eating program. I'm focusing on: proteins (I'm an omnivore, so it's all over the map), veggies, fruit, nuts, seeds, coffee and water. All things natural and wild, from the Earth herself. I can't believe the differences, already. Headaches are gone, blood pressure is back down, skin is more supple and healthy. Sinus pressure better. Digestion is better. Aches and arthritic pains are diminishing, brain fog is fading. It's incredible what processed foods and sugar can do to the human body and how blinded we are, as a society, into keeping ourselves sick. The good news is, I had switched to a whole foods based diet years ago and my body became adapted very quickly, so I am falling back in line very easily.
It feels good to feel good.
It's so good to root down and get present in your body. To check in and make sure it's getting what it needs, on all levels. And to dig in and give yourself what you need, despite what anyone else is doing. No one else lives in this body, it's no one else's responsibility. It's mine. And it feels really good to honor that.
I had a wonderful compliment th other day. It's always nice to hear... that someone thinks you're pretty, or funny, or smart, or talented, or whatever it is. All good. But what I heard was... "wow, you've really been taking care of yourself. That's awesome. I'm inspired, I want that glow... I want in."
Wow. WOW. That's where it's at, right there. Be brave enough to love yourself and watch others be drawn toward what you're doing. It's a magical thing. Dream-chasing is contagious. xo
Pssst... New Moon Rising. New ideas, fresh focus, open hearts. <3